


Learning to Swim

by Serenity_V



Series: An Acquired Taste [7]
Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Determined Jacob, F/M, Stubborn Liz, Understanding/Supportive Jacob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-02 10:37:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6562990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serenity_V/pseuds/Serenity_V
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jacob’s first instinct was to run. It’s what he’d been trained to do. It’s what he’d always done. He’d never stood his ground in his entire life because he’d never had ground on which to stand – until Lizzie. The woman didn’t know the meaning of the word “run.” She stood, and she fought. Well, now Jacob would stand with her. Because she was worth fighting for. Because only she could teach him how to swim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After watching the latest episode, "Mr. Solomon, Conclusion," I kind of wanted to just wallow in misery for a while, but I already had this mostly written, so I decided to persevere in getting it up. It actually helped to cheer me up a little.

When Jacob had heard that voice on the other end of the line, when he’d realized that this job, this stupid _war,_ was going to take Lizzie from him one way or another – _Please not the other, anything but that_ – he’d begged her to run away with him to Nebraska. But, he’d known it would never work, and it wouldn’t be far enough to keep her safe even it if it did, which is the only reason he hadn’t actually gone through with it and forced her to choose.

Jacob hadn’t been blind; he’d seen for a while the signs that she’d found him out, but he’d run from the knowledge, as if by ignoring it, he could make it not so. When he’d finally had to face the fact that Lizzie knew the truth, he hadn’t confronted her; he’d fled, barely pausing long enough to say, “I love you,” one last time before calling for immediate extraction.

When it had all come crashing down, and he’d had nothing left to hold onto (except Liz), and she’d finally let him go – physically, that is – he’d run as fast and far as he could, burying himself deep in the first role he could find. When Reddington had shown up, Jacob had tried to keep hiding, but in the end, Lizzie had needed him, and he'd come running back to her, preparing to take flight once more – until he’d realized that, for the first time, he might not have to. For the first time, he might not _want_ to.

* * *

Liz wanted nothing to do with him. Fine. Jacob would leave. The point still stood.

“In that moment,” he told her, “I thought, ‘maybe there’s a world where I don’t have to run.’” In order for that to happen, though, he needed the passports.

But, “They’re not just passports,” she said. “They represent everything I’m trying to forget,” and that was when he realized maybe she was running too, and that was something he could understand.

Which was why he was surprised when she looked him in the eye and said, “Our entire marriage…” Jacob couldn’t understand as she pressed on, asking him for the truth and analyzing _everything she’d been trying to forget._

_Why would she do that?_

For him, he finally realized, as she said, “Not if you want to learn how to swim.” He’d asked her if she thought it was possible for him to change, to truly stop running, and she’d responded by facing everything from which _she’d_ been running to give him a real answer. Because that was what it had taken for her to _find_ the answer.

Lizzie walked away from him, and it wasn’t running. Maybe she didn’t want anything to do with him, but she would never again _run_ from what had happened between them. She’d already faced it down and _won._

Jacob could leave now, start that new life he’d been talking about; he had everything he needed. But, he realized, it would still be running. Maybe not in general, but from what really mattered – maybe the _only_ thing that mattered. From the reason he’d wanted to stop running in the first place, the only thing he’d ever been unwilling to leave behind.

Jacob didn’t know how to stop running; it was all he’d ever done. But, he knew that Liz could teach him, and if anyone was worth learning to _stand_ for, it was her. So, he did what she’d asked of him.

He was honest.

“Liz, there’s more…”

* * *

“I thought you’d be gone,” Liz said the next time Jacob saw her, and the question was implied.

“That was the plan,” he admitted. “Then, I thought maybe if I stayed,” _I’d have stopped running from the only thing that really matters to me. I’d have a shot at being close to you._ “I’d have a shot at a normal life,” he said.

And, then, he tried to warn her. Jacob knew Liz didn’t run; he’d learned that about her a long time ago, and been reminded of it when last they’d spoken. But, he’d hoped she’d be open to the idea of a strategic retreat.

He’d been wrong.

“Red has answers about me,” she said, “and I’m staying until I get them.”

Jacob had been married to the woman long enough to know when she wouldn’t back down. So, he did the only thing he could.

He offered to stand with her.

“Well, maybe I could help you get those answers.”

Jacob had hurt Liz, he knew he had. Even while trying to protect her, he’d screwed up a lot along the way, but he was trying to fix that. He was here, now, making the decision to face the consequences of his actions. To try to help rebuild what he’d had a hand in breaking. He was going to stand, and looking at Reddington, he knew where he had to start.

He was new to this, and unsure of how to go about it, so he fortified himself with a breath, and did what Liz had taught him.

_You have to be honest._

“I’m telling you this,” he concluded his words to the older man, “because I don’t want you to be confused about my part in any of this– you, Liz. All of it. I’m out. I’m done.” _I’m not running anymore._

So, when Liz needed him, he came. And when she expressed her fear and doubt, quoting his earlier warning, he told her, “What I said– What I meant was that it would devour most people. It’s not going to devour you.”

He wouldn’t let it. He knew, despite her misgivings, she would press on and fight this battle. She would see it through to the bitter end, like she always did.

And, through it all, he would stand beside her. And, this time, she would know it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jacob had decided to stop running, had decided that Liz was worth learning to stand for, he hadn't expected his resolution to be tested so soon, or quite so spectacularly. Story of his life, where she was concerned...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter one dealt with stuff throughout Season 1 and focused on the Vanessa Cruz and Leonard Call episodes. Chapter two picks up at the beginning of "Karakurt" and follows through the Season 2 Finale. Hopefully, it won't feel as disjointed as the first chapter, which was a little too choppy for my taste. I'm planning a third chapter to take place in early Season 3.

When Lizzie had come to him the night before, Jacob had known he still had a chance. She probably regretted it already, and he knew it had been a “moment of weakness” type thing, but it wouldn’t have happened at all if there wasn’t _something_ still there. Somewhere, deep down, Liz still felt that she could rely on him, and Jacob would prove her right.

So, when she looked at him incredulously and asked what he was hoping for, and he told her his “dream scenario” of the two of them sailing away from Reddington and all his crap, Jacob knew that was all it was – a dream. It would never happen because Liz didn’t run from things; she fought them until she either won or…Well, she hadn’t lost yet. The point was, Jacob knew she wasn’t going anywhere, and as long as that held true, neither was he.

When he’d made that resolution, though, he hadn’t expected just what they’d have to face. In all fairness, there wasn’t exactly much precedent for a black-ops F.B.I. Agent being branded a Russian sleeper agent and framed for reigniting the Cold War via assassination. How was he supposed to have seen _that_ coming?

So, he did the only thing he could. They had to leave. He knew Liz didn’t like running; it wasn’t in her nature, but they had no choice, surely she could see that. There was no winning this one; it just couldn’t be done. But she looked him in the eye, and even as she said, “I don’t think I can do it on my own,” Jacob knew she would try, with or without him. And he realized that maybe standing was like Liz had told him honesty was – you couldn’t pick and choose. In any case, he couldn’t stop her from fighting this. All he could do was watch her back while she did.

* * *

“Tell me what to do,” Liz said, and Jacob knew he couldn’t. Well, he could, but Liz wouldn’t listen; she didn’t have it in her to let anyone else make decisions for her. So, he didn’t even try, but said the only thing he could, “You’re still bleeding.”

She talked about regrets, then, and Jacob wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear as he asked, “What could you possibly regret?”

“Not saying yes.”

“Yes to what?” he prodded against his better judgement. The last thing he needed was false hope.

“You,” Liz said, and whatever might happen afterwards, Jacob couldn’t bring himself to wish she hadn’t. “Take me with you.”

“Don’t say that.” _Because we both know you don’t mean it. Maybe you wish you could, but we both know you can’t._

“Liz, if you go away with me, you’ll never get answers. You’ll never find out who you really are.”

“I don’t need to know who I am to know what I want.”

“What do you want, Liz?” Because even if she didn’t mean it, even if she took it back afterwards, he needed to hear it, just this once.

“You,” she told him. And, he thought it might be true.

But, that didn’t mean it was enough. He knew her too well to believe there was any chance she’d stop fighting this. However much she might want him, she wasn’t willing to run with him. He was beginning to think she wasn’t capable of it. But, that was okay. Because he was willing to stand with her.

And, even if only for this moment, they could pretend. As Jacob took Lizzie into his arms once more, he thought it might be enough after all.

* * *

Jacob couldn’t say he was surprised when he saw the gun, but he was curious. Liz looked focused on something in particular, excited even, as though she had a plan.

“Is that a gun, or are you just happy to see me?” Looking at her, he knew before she even opened her mouth she’d found something.

“I’ll be back,” she said, and it was like every time she’d gone off to work while they’d been married, knowing the risks, and had told him not to worry, claiming she’d be back in time for dinner.

“No, you won’t,” he said.

“I got to- Tom…”

“Go,” Jacob told her, and it was like all those times before when he’d pretended to believe her. Because, when she said she had to go, he knew it was the truth. Because that was who she was. And, as much as he hated it, it was one of the reasons he loved her so much.

Liz gave him a lingering look even as she walked away, and that was when he realized that she’d never said anything about regretting what had passed between them. She wanted him. Lizzie knew and wanted _Jacob,_ though she still called him Tom, and that was more than he’d ever dared hope.

* * *

Jacob had forgotten what it was like. The waiting. It was, perhaps, the only thing he’d truly _hated_ about being Tom Keen.

 He should have gone with her.

Then, finally, his phone rang. “Liz?”

“I don’t have a lot of time-”

“Are you okay?”

“Tom-”

“Liz, _are you okay?”_

She sighed, exasperated, “Yes, I’m fine, but Tom, you need to listen to me. I’ve got everything under control, but things are going to be messy for a while.”

“What does that mean? Liz-”

“It means, you should go.”

“Come with me.”

“Come on, Tom, we both knew that was never going to happen. It was nice to pretend while it lasted, but…Just go. I’ll be fine, I promise, but there’s no reason for you to stay.”

“Liz-”

“Goodbye, Tom.” She hung up.

And, he left.


	3. Chapter 3

Why had Liz told him to go? The question haunted Jacob.

As did the fact that he’d gone, barely pausing to question it, even knowing that she wasn’t alright. That, though she might never admit it, she needed help.

He turned to the news, not knowing what he hoped to find. He doubted it would be anything good, but he needed to know.

Lizzie had sought asylum at the Russian Embassy. Jacob wasn’t sure whether that was more brilliant than it was risky. Probably not, considering she’d been forced to flee, anyway, and was now in the wind.

Her hurried call ran through his mind for the millionth time.

_You should go._

_I’ve got everything under control…_ Obviously, she didn’t.

_Just go. I’ll be fine…_

_Things are going to be messy for a while…_

_There’s no reason for you to stay…_

She’d never said she didn’t want him. She’d never said she regretted letting him close again.

Could she have sent him away…Because she cared? Had she been trying to protect him, to keep him from being caught up in the coming storm she faced?

Jacob didn’t want to get his hopes too high. Since he’d come back, Lizzie had tolerated him when necessary, leaned on him when she felt she had no one else. Until recently, she’d given no indication of being interested in anything more, and the few overtures she had made could easily be attributed to the stress of the circumstances.

What he did know was that she needed help. He couldn’t leave her to sink or swim on her own. He knew she wouldn’t just lie down and let this pass. She’d find a way to fight it, and he wouldn’t let her do it alone; he’d find a way to fight with her.

The only problem was, he didn’t know how.

* * *

When Jacob had made the decision to go to Wing Yee’s, he’d known exactly how stupid it was. Liz would have no reason to think he might be there; there was next to no chance she’d reach out. But, it was all he could do after Ressler had refused his help.

Now, Jacob sat at a table feeling useless. He was doing about as much good as if he’d never come back at all. That was where Harold Cooper found him.

Finally, there was something he could _do._

* * *

Jacob was in. Then, his phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number. That could mean a lot of things for someone like him.

It was Liz.

“You called Wing Yee’s. I was hoping you would.” He didn’t know what had prompted her to reach out to him, but he loved her for knowing how. That particular method of communication had, after all, been her idea.

“I can’t believe you came back.” He couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. Hadn’t he proven already that she could count on him? Then, again, he’d left in the first place.

“Of course I came back. As soon as I heard, I came back.” Then, because he realized he had no idea, and that scared him, “Are you alright?”

“You had a plan,” was all Liz said, “The boat-”

“I wish you would have come with me.”

“I know you went to Ressler and offered to help.”

_Yeah, for all the good it did._

That was probably how she’d known Jacob hadn’t left, so maybe it’d done some good, after all.

“Yeah, I did,” he said, “and I’m going to do everything I can.”

“Listen, Tom, you don’t have to do this.”

Liz really cared. It really had been for his sake she’d told him to go. He marveled that she’d found it in herself to care for him again.

“I do have to do this.”

“You said you wanted out of this life – out of the secrets and the lies and the risk. I don’t want to be the one to drag you back into this.”

She didn’t understand. He’d never wanted out until he’d met her, and he’d never desired it for its own sake. He’d wanted to be with her, and that was the only way he’d seen to do it.

“You’re not,” he said, “You haven’t.” She’d actually sent him away from it all, told him to go, or had she forgotten that little detail? He was choosing this.

“Listen, Tom, you- you don’t understand. I have done so many terrible things. I have hurt so many people.”

Did she really think he had some saintly, idealized image of her? What, like he was just in love with the idea of her, as- as some kind of representation of the normal life she thought he wanted? Fat chance, after those four months on _her_ boat. Granted, he generally tried not to think about that, but it had happened. He _knew_ what she was capable of. But, he also knew _her._

“I don’t care what you’ve done. Liz, I know who you are. I took that for granted for a long time, but I don’t now. So, you’re right. I do have plans. I’m coming to save you.”

He had grown so used to knowing that she _cared._ Ironically enough, it had taken that time he so tried to ignore to make him stop taking it for granted.

“Tom. Listen-”

“It’s too late,” Jacob said, “‘Cause I’m already in.”

“In where? Where are you? What have you done?”

Was she…worried about him?

Or just afraid what his methods might entail?

“I got to go,” he said, turning back to his mark. “I love you.”

Maybe it wasn’t too much to hope that she believed him.

* * *

Jacob stood alone, removed from the group of friends and well-wishers, remembering his own engagement party. It had been a bit more… _eventful_ than this one. He definitely could have done without Reddington’s interference, but Lizzie’s response had confirmed that he was making the right decision, had reminded him that she was worth every obstacle. It had also, somehow, turned the memory into a fond one.

Well, he definitely had worse memories of Liz after the truth had come out.

As Gwen approached him, striking up a conversation, he watched her carefully, curious as to what she wanted.

“Tell me, Mr. Buckley, do you believe in love at first sight?

“I don’t know,” Jacob said, wondering where Gwen was going with this conversation. Then, because she expected more of an answer, he thought of Liz. There had once been a time he’d thought of her as nothing more than his mark. The idea was laughable, now, after everything they’d been through, but it was true.

He remembered when she’d first intrigued him. He remembered slowly being drawn ever closer to her, never realizing what was happening until it was too late. He _definitely_ remembered the denial. But, even after all this time, he couldn’t pinpoint when, exactly, he’d fallen in love with her. He didn’t think it had been in any single moment. It had been a gradual thing.

“I think love is, uh, more of an acquired taste,” he said.

“Have you ever acquired it – love?”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “Once.”

_And, for a while, I was able to pretend she loved me too. She thought she did, at least._

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Love isn’t like an orgasm, Mr. Buckley. Once is quite enough.”

More than enough, for someone like Jacob. It never should have happened in the first place.

But, he would die before he could ever bring himself to regret it, even with all the pain it had caused him. It was worth it. _Lizzie_ was worth it.

“Yeah,” he said, because Gwen expected an answer. “It should have been. Maybe it will be. Who knows, right?”

When her world had fallen apart at the seams, Liz had made the time to call him, telling him to leave, to get clear of it all. She wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t care. Once, he would have thought it impossible for anyone to open themselves up again to someone who’d hurt them as badly as he had Liz, but he knew better now. Love really was madness. It was why he’d never been able to hate Liz, even when she’d been torturing him. It was why he’d come back for her afterward, and why he always would.

“I’ve loved Asher Sutton since the moment I laid eyes on him,” Gwen said, and Jacob could tell she was getting to the point. “I love everything about him, including his peculiar affinity for _collectibles,_ even at my engagement party.”

They shared a laugh, then, though for different reasons.

_You think this is bad?_ Jacob thought, _You don’t even_ want _to know about_ my _engagement party._

“On one condition,” the woman continued, “That they look me in the eye and promise me that they will never, ever do anything to harm the man that I love.”

As she looked at him with those hard, searching eyes that declared _I won’t let you hurt the man I love,_ Jacob was reminded of Lizzie. Of how she’d nearly killed Reddington in cold blood on just _suspicion_ – albeit, _correct_ suspicion – of being involved with Zamani’s attack on her husband. Of how she hadn’t regretted it in the least.

He tried not to hope she could ever love him like that again. He didn’t quite succeed, and felt the fool for it.

Of course, Gwen wasn’t threatening him; she wouldn’t know how. She wasn’t _half_ as dangerous as Liz. But, Jacob knew what he needed to say.

“I promise.”

He watched as the woman relaxed, surprised by the twinge of- was that _guilt_ he was feeling? Definitely sympathy.

The poor woman didn’t know what his promises were generally worth.

But, this was one that he hoped he’d be able to keep.

* * *

Jacob woke to the clanking of chains, a wave of despair washing over him. He hadn’t been prepared for Liz to hate him so much. He knew, though, that she wasn’t doing this because of her feelings; this was cold professionalism, and any feelings she might have had for him weren’t strong enough to interfere with her interrogation either way. He wasn’t sure which hurt more.

A second later, full awareness set in, and he cursed silently. Evidently, those four months had messed him up way more than he’d thought. He shoved it all back, focusing on the situation at hand.

“I want to talk to Charlie Volkens.”

“You got any idea where you are, sport? You know what we do here?”

Yeah. Jacob knew _exactly_ what he’d gotten himself into. And, what he’d dragged Asher Sutton into.

“Asher Sutton,” he tried, “He has nothing to do with this.” He knew the effort would be futile, but he _had_ to try.

“Oh, yeah, he does. Tonight he does. You two got ringside seats.”

“He’s innocent,” Jacob insisted, “You don’t have to hurt him.” He knew it would mean nothing to these people. What surprised him was that it meant something to him. When had that happened? He’d always kept collateral damage to a minimum – the quieter he kept his work, the better – but it had never been an emotional decision. Now, he found that he actually _cared_ about the innocent life his actions might have destroyed. The only person he’d ever really cared about hurting before was Lizzie. When had that changed?

Ultimately, none of it made any difference. “I’m sorry,” Jacob murmured as he drove the knife home, and to his surprise, it was true. He wasn’t just thinking that normal people, with a conscience, would say it was wrong, or that Liz would disapprove; he actually felt remorse. But, he would do it again in a heartbeat. If there was a choice to be made, he would always choose Liz.

At the end of the day, he got Karakurt, and that was all that really mattered. It was worth it.

* * *

The next time Jacob saw Liz, she was blonde. It was a surprisingly good look on her. Then again, she could probably pull off just about anything. She’d make a great deep-cover operative; she deserved a better life than that, though.

“Some operative I am,” Jacob said, “I barely recognize my own wife. Ex-wife.” He tried not to look too pained at the correction. He remembered when she’d told him about the annulment. She’d brought the papers to prove it.

He’d been thinking about that time far too often lately. It was over, done and buried, and he shoved it from his mind once more, focusing on the current conversation. On where he and Liz were now.

“I should get back,” he said eventually. Liz stopped him.

“You said I should have stayed on the boat and never come back.”

“The truth is I never should have left,” Jacob said with complete sincerity, “You were in trouble, and I walked away.” He should never have abandoned her, for however short a time.

“You had a dream,” Liz consoled, “I wanted you to follow it. I still do.” Not because she wanted him gone. Because she _cared_ about him. About what _he_ wanted. And, that was when he knew he’d made the right decision.

So he said, “That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Liz. I am following it.” Because she was the only dream worth following he’d ever had. And maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t so impossible as he’d once thought.

* * *

When it was all over, he proposed because she needed to know: He wasn’t going anywhere.

Her answer wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a no, either. It essentially amounted to, “We’ll see,” and that was something he could handle. She didn’t know yet whether she could commit herself to him so fully once more.

He would stick around until she figured it out.


End file.
